We were, for a period of time, office colleagues. At that time, my feelings for her weren’t exactly that pronounced, but it has always been there. Our office was a tough working environment for the two of us since our bosses then weren’t particularly fond of both of us. One thing that kept me going despite the difficult times was the realization that I could get to see her everyday. That was enough motivation for me to keep going back to a very stressful workplace.

 

I also cannot obscure the fact that when we were working together, I made many offensive remarks and awkward advances which might be rightly characterized as harassment. I think those awkward annoying remarks were the first manifestations of my growing feelings for her. Weird as it was, I think it was my way of telling her that I really liked her, although I could very well have been cited for improper behavior.

 

I cannot exactly pinpoint the exact time when I started missing her, but our parting gave me more than enough time to think about her. It is said that one manifestation of the fact that one thinks a lot of someone is if they started dreaming about them. Sure, it’s awkward to admit it now, but she would intermittently appear in my dreams at night. It was probably was based on latent feelings in my subconscious that I purposely kept guarded, knowing for a fact that workplace romance wasn’t really in the cards for me. 

 

When she left, I thought I wasn’t probably ever going to see her again. Then, I made that poignant decision to reopen my long-dormant Facebook (FB) account. I had cut-off my FB account one time when I was on withdrawal mode from an older relationship debacle a few years back. 

 

I had no clue that on that day when I accepted Lizzy’s invite, my life would be upended. I accepted it probably thinking: “where’s the harm in doing that?” I was mistaken because communicating with her opened up a can of worms – those I have patiently stashed in my subconscious hoping they won’t ever bother me again. It’s both a wonderful feeling and a conflicting one, because I know very well that this girl could very well just break my heart. 

 

Communicating with Lizzy is addictive because I really do have genuine feelings for her; feelings which, at that onset, were relatively tame and controllable. Then, I began to communicate with her on a more personal level. I began to realize that I really do love communicating with her. I always look forward to chatting with her at the risk of being annoying. She checks all the boxes for me, so-to-speak. A beautiful person inside and out, she really gets me emotionally and mentally.

 

I don’t know if Lizzy was or will ever be into me, because I’m just really bad at reading other people’s cues. Perhaps, she thought all the while that these were just benign exchanges between two former colleagues. Yet, I have decided that it is worth a try to risk getting a heartbreak to be able to experience again that fleeting feeling of caring for another person. It’s now time for me to try to reach out again to another person even if this means having my heart getting broken all over again.

 

Writer Elizabeth Gilbert, her namesake, says that having a broken heart is a good sign because it means you have tried something. When I look into all these things that are happening to me, I feel the weight of the possibility of failing, but, at the same time, I feel happy to begin experiencing again these long dormant feelings. I have not mentioned what I feel for Lizzy yet. There is, however, a part of me that wishes she would pick up the cues herself. 

 

The last thing I want to happen is for our friendship to end because of these stupid feelings. Lizzy serves a purpose for me which is to remind me of what I am missing in life. I need her to be there to remind me that the best things in our lives are still ahead of us. She’s my shining city on the hill, although it may turn out to be just a mirage. She is teaching me how to start feeling for someone again. I may very well lose the battle for her affections,  but this experience will help me become a better person.

 

[Note: This post was first published on September 25, 2016 at https://abelsantaanave.blogspot.com]