As they say, all good things must eventually come to an end. My breakup with Lizzy came right after our Eat, Pray, Love trip to Bali, which is why it came out as such a shock to me. That trip was amazing, as far as I saw it. I had no idea that doubts had already crept inside Lizzy’s mind while we’re on that trip. I thought our bond was strengthened to the point that I even proposed to her while we were in Uluwatu.

It therefore came as a surprise that, just days after our parting in Bali, she would tell me that she was giving the father of her son another chance. I was left speechless at first. The only thing that I could muster to say was: “So this is goodbye.” It hadn’t sunk in yet at that moment. I hang up by telling her “that’s enough.” It was all so sudden. I was literally lost for words.

Having gone through a tough breakup before, I immediately kicked in a pre-meditated contingency plan should this event happen, which is to erase Lizzy from all aspects of my life. I deleted all files related to her and our time together. I threw away all pictures of us together. I cut her off from every Social Media account that I have. I hid all the matching coffee mugs we had bought together. And I, more importantly, tried to throw away the matching rings that we wore. However, I just couldn’t do it, so I just stashed the rings inside the coffee mugs which I kept conveniently out of sight.

This was the wisest thing to do, I thought. I could never move on if I continue looking back. If I see anything that reminds me of her and our time together, they trigger memories of her, which are, by and large, mostly pleasant and happy. I decided to cut her off from my life forever, vowing never to look back.

Lizzy and I had mostly communicated through Facebook, Messenger and Snapchat, so I decided to hibernate from all of my Social Media accounts.  Not only did I log myself out, I unfriended her and deleted every “like” I had made on her Instagram posts – something that had already done with her once. It sounds petty, but I thought it was necessary. There has to be no discernible evidence of her and our time together from now on.

The first night was particularly difficult. I couldn’t sleep so I took out a bottle of port wine and drank it by myself. Yet, it failed to bring me slumber, so I just turned on the light and waited for the daybreak to come. It was mentally draining and emotionally tough letting go of someone that I have loved dearly. Lizzy had been part of my daily routine since we started communicating in late August last year so it felt painful to realize that she was completely gone at that point.

So it had come full circle, I thought to myself. When I decide to court Lizzy, the fear of failure was there, but I decided to do it anyway knowing what the possible consequences were. I leveraged that thought then by telling myself that I don’t have any expectations whatsoever; no pressure to force anything on ourselves. Whatever is meant to happen would happen, I thought to myself. All I had to do then was to trust the process, make the supreme effort and do my best. 

And I did, for a while there. I was so happy – a feeling of happiness that I thought I would never be able to feel again. Being with Lizzy was the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. I told her that she was the love of my life, and I really meant that 100%. Lizzy was the source of my happiness and now she’s gone, but I had to stay strong. She had her reasons for breaking up with me and I fully understood that. Her life was complicated. I did not resent her at all. All I was hoping at that point was that I would be able to land on my feet fast enough.

To keep my mind preoccupied, I decided to just write, write and write. In my spare time, I refused to wallow in self-pity. Instead, I put on my running shoes and just ran. I was chasing the so-called endorphin high to keep my mind at ease. I refused to stay put even for just a moment because that’s when my memories of Lizzy came back to haunt me. One thing I promised to do is to refuse to succumb to the temptation of alcohol as had done in the past. “Keep yourself, busy,” I kept telling myself. 

However, that gnawing feeling of having lost a dearly beloved and wishing to be able to reach out to her was so strong. So it is true then. Heartbreak may mean the end of the relationship, but that doesn’t mean you have stopped loving her. Before I am able to love again, I thought, I must reach out to Lizzy to tell her that I have no rancor in my heart, and that I have only love for her for the rest of my life. I felt that I wouldn’t be at peace with myself if I didn’t tell her that. 

So I logged on to Messenger to send Lizzy what I thought would be my last message to her:

“I want you to know that I am rooting for your happiness. Believe me, I do understand why you had to do this. If it makes you happier, then I support it. We will both be able to move on from this in due time. Please remember that I will always love you for the rest of my life. Goodbye and good luck!”

After having said that, I felt that the weight on my shoulders were lifted. I was finally at peace with what happened. Like I said, it has gone full circle, but my life has been enriched by the whole experience. I will still treasure our memories together – which were some of the most beautiful moments of my life. 

[Note: This post was first published on April 7, 2017 at https://abelsantaanave.blogspot.com]